Is the beginning to my story well-written/interesting?

Stella Lazarus played absentmindedly with the red and gold tassels on the placemat as she listened to Max Bolander blather about his numerous touchdowns. She made sure to insert an appreciative noise here and there.


Why did I let Vera convince me to go on a date with him? Stella thought exasperatedly. I am going to kill her when I see her again, I swear to God.


The teenage Chinese waitress, who was dressed in a slinky red cheongsam, brought them their Szechuan chicken and dim sum. “Anything else?” she asked, smiling flirtatiously at Max.


“I’d like another iced tea, please,” Stella replied, giving the glass to the waitress.


“I need a Coke refill,” Max said. She smiled indulgently at Max as she gently took the glass from his fingers, as if it were a relic.


“Enjoy,” she said, leaving for the kitchen, shooting another quick grin at Max from behind her shoulder.


You can have him, Stella thought bitterly. Enjoy!


Max began wolfing down his food. Stella watched in disgust as little missiles of food flew from his mouth. To her disappointment, he kept babbling about his prowess in football.


After they finished eating, the waitress sauntered toward the table. “Do you guys want dessert?”


“No, that chicken sure filled me up!” Max exclaimed, rubbing his stomach contentedly.


“I don’t want anything, thanks.”


“In that case, here’s the bill.” The waitress set it upon the table. Then she put two fortune cookies on top of the bill and spun on her heel.


Max grabbed the one closest to him and smashed it open eagerly, like a child on Christmas morning. When he read it, he chortled. “It says I am an intelligent person at heart, but I really have to let it shine. It’s so true!”


Stella plastered a smile on her face. “Yep, so true.” She opened hers.


You are in grave danger. Leave the city and never return.


She almost burst out laughing. So that was the waitress’s ploy to get rid of her. She glanced at the waitress, who was now giggling at something the freckled delivery-boy had said. Idiot.


Since Max made no moves for his wallet, Stella pulled out hers from her purse with a mental sigh. She slapped thirty bucks on the table.


The waitress beelined for the table with the sight of cash. “Your tip is the change,” Stella said. The waitress snapped it up and made for the counter.


Stella shrugged into her bright yellow raincoat. “It was, um, fun,” she lied. “I have to go. I hope we can see each other again soon.”


Stella stepped out into the driving rain. She shivered and tightened the drawstrings on her hood. It was November and severely cold. She wished she had dressed in the sweater her mother had sent her from Sweden, where she lived now.


She walked a few blocks to her apartment building, in which she lived with her dad and his fiancée, Steffanie, who was her Spanish teacher.


She took the elevator to the fifth floor and unlocked the door. Steffanie was making dinner. She greeted Stella with a cheery wave. “Hi. Did you have a nice time with Max?”


“Not really, no.” Stella said, pulling off her raincoat.


Steffanie made a little noise. “Huh. Well, he is a nice boy.”


Stella hated when Steffanie tried to act all motherly. “Did I get any mail?” she asked.


“Nope.”


Charles, her father, emerged from the bedroom, dark circles around his eyes. “Hey, sweetie. How’d the date go?”


“Okay.”


“That’s good.” To Steffanie, he said, “That smells delicious. What’re you making?”


Stella went to her room and closed the door. She flopped on the bed and tried to relax, but to no avail, as her cell phone rang just then. She didn’t recognize the number.


“Hello?”


On the other line, there was just heavy breathing. For a second, she freaked out. Relax, genius. It’s just a crank call.


“**** you,” she hissed into the phone and turned it off.


Stella, knowing she wouldn’t fall asleep until much later, pulled out her backpack and rummaged for her creative writing folder. It wasn’t there. “Damn,” she whispered. She looked through her things once more. It wasn’t there.|||For the first sentence, the very first sentence put 'absentmindedly' before 'played.' What I mean is, "Stella Lazarus absentmindedly played with the red and gold tassels on the place mat as she listened to Max Bolander blather about his numerous touchdowns." For me, it just seems to make the already nice sentence even better. Using the word 'absentmindedly' really just clues you in that Stella is bored, or something to that effect. The word 'tassels,' that makes everything easy to picture. I think the adjective usually goes before the verb, whatever action.


"The teenage Chinese waitress, who was dressed in a slinky red cheongsam, brought them their Szechuan chicken and dim sum." The description of what the waitress was wearing is very detailed and neat. I have no idea what a cheongsam is and I don't think that there are many people who do. Sure, it really stretched the imagination, but if you really want to have the reader picture exactly what you were, possibly describe it in a different way? Maybe say, "The young Chinese waitress, wrapped in a hugging dress, brought them their Szechuan chicken and dim sum." How I pictured the dress, well, it turns out my imagination was right. If you do what you were going to do, change 'slinky' to 'silky?'


You made that chicken sound delicious, by the way.


“No, that chicken sure filled me up!” Max exclaimed, rubbing his stomach contentedly.' I would say, "No, that chicken sure filled me up!” Max exclaimed, emphasizing by rubbing his stomach." I just think 'contentedly' fits wrongly with 'exclaimed.' For me, 'exclaim' implies excitement, happiness, very energetic. The word 'content' seems too calm for 'exclaim.'


"Max grabbed the one closest to him and smashed it open eagerly, like a child on Christmas morning." Here's what I would do: "Max grabbed the closest cookie and tore into it eagerly, like a child with a present on Christmas morning." I changed 'smashed' to 'tore' because smash, means to like break, and to tear is to break open. I understood the sentence, but some reader might not.


"The waitress snapped it up and made for the counter." My change: "The waitress greedily snatched it up and ran to the counter." The word 'snapped' doesn't seem to fit right. 'Greedily' -- Just to put in an adjective.


"Stella shrugged into her bright yellow raincoat. “It was, um, fun,” she lied. “I have to go. I hope we can see each other again soon.” Somewhere around there, have Max say something. Anything. "Yeah, it was really fun. I'd like to do it again. Maybe next Saturday?" Have him do something. You can say how Max was flirting with the waitress, proving how much of an a** he really is.


"Stella stepped out into the driving rain." -- "Stella grudgingly stepped out in to the pouring rain." 'Grudgingly' for an adjective. 'Pouring' instead of 'driving' for easy picturing.


"Stella went to her room and closed the door. She flopped on the bed and tried to relax, but to no avail, as her cell phone rang just then. She didn’t recognize the number.


“Hello?” On the other line, there was just heavy breathing. For a second, she freaked out. Relax genius. It’s just a crank call.


“**** you,” she hissed into the phone and turned it off."


Very nice. Really, really, really good. The pace is perfectly paced, the words flawless. I would just change the sound on the other line. The heavy breathing, you know, truly terrifying, but cliché and over used. On the other line, no words. Eerie piano music, scratching nails on a chalkboard -YIKES-, evil, scary laughter, mumbling of incoherent words that sound like somebody is reciting some sort of spell, screaming, someone screaming for help. I don't know, if you really like the heavy breathing, then go for it. I'm just saying that it's cliché.


The ending? Fantastic. What happened to thy book? Very ... captivating.


Magnetic. Draws you in for more.


To truly answer your question:


The beginning of your story is great. The writing is well written and alluring.


You're doing fine, just watch the adjectives and use them correctly. The talking dialogue is great, seems like people would really say that. In some stories, the characters say things that people today wouldn't. Keep doing what you're doing, you're gonna be fine.


I love it. Good luck!|||Its awesome . I like it very much .|||I did find it very well written and interesting. I did have a bit of an issue with the scene lengths. It just seemed like she went from place A to place B to place C too quickly and I didn't get to see much characterization. I suggest putting a bit more description into what you write so that I can see more of that.


I'm not really sure where this story is going as of right now, but I hope that I can see more of that as you continue writing. If you decide to post any more of this story online, I would definitely read it.


Keep writing and good luck!|||Much better! Great job! I think you are breezing past a few things two quickly. I would spend a little more time on Steffanie and her relationship with her Dad it feels just a little bit rushed. And I would spend a little more time in Reflection about just how frustrated her date was as she walked home... this would help set the mood this way when she gets angry at the phone call you can kind of understand why... it she seems a little jumpy and as the reader we don't know why....so it comes across as ...snotty and I don't think that is what you are going for.



Also I would go back to the waitress putting each cookie in front of them again if they are both on the ticket there would be no way the waitress could have known which cookie he would take.



I also like how you are dragging out the story a little more, setting the mood this way its not so abrupt. Fantastic! Keep it up!!!