Why did I let Vera convince me to go on a date with him? Stella thought exasperatedly. I am going to kill her when I see her again, I swear to God.
The teenage Chinese waitress, who was dressed in a slinky red cheongsam, brought them their Szechuan chicken and dim sum. “Anything else?” she asked, smiling flirtatiously at Max.
“I’d like another iced tea, please,” Stella replied, giving her glass to the waitress.
“I need a Coke refill,” Max said. She smiled indulgently at Max as she gently took the glass from his fingers, as if it were a sainted relic.
“Enjoy,” she said, leaving for the kitchen, shooting another quick grin at Max from behind her shoulder.
You can have him, Stella thought bitterly. Enjoy!
Max began wolfing down his food. Stella watched in disgust as little missiles of food flew from his mouth. To her disappointment, he kept babbling about his prowess in football.
After they finished eating, the waitress sauntered toward the table. “Do you guys want dessert?”
“No, that chicken sure filled me up!” Max exclaimed, rubbing his stomach.
“I don’t want anything, thanks.”
“In that case, here’s the bill.” The waitress set it upon the table. Then she put two fortune cookies on top of the bill and spun on her heel.
Max grabbed the one closest to him and smashed it open eagerly, like a child on Christmas morning. When he read it, he chortled. “It says I am an intelligent person at heart, but I really have to let it shine. It’s so true!”
Stella plastered a smile on her face. She opened hers.
You are in grave danger. Leave the city and never return.
She almost burst out laughing. So that was the waitress’s ploy to get rid of her. She glanced at the waitress, who was now giggling at something the freckled delivery-boy had said.
Since Max made no moves for his wallet, Stella pulled out hers from her purse with a mental sigh. She slapped thirty bucks on the table.
The waitress beelined for the table with the sight of cash. “Your tip is the change,” Stella said. The waitress snapped it up and made for the counter.
Stella shrugged into her bright yellow raincoat. “It was, um, fun,” she lied. “I have to go. I hope we can see each other again soon.”
“Bye,” Max mumbled, his eyes on the waitress’s sauntering hips.
Stella stepped out into the pouring rain, feeling thoroughly disgusted. She shivered and tightened the drawstrings on her hood. It was November and severely cold. She wished she had dressed in the sweater her mother had sent her from Sweden, where she lived now.
Stella walked slowly, looking at her feet as she walked. A harried man in a suit pushed past her, talking angrily into a cell phone. Her thoughts wandered aimlessly. She wondered if her mother had sent her a letter, which she seldom did, now that she’d met Mikael, her boyfriend.
She took the elevator to the fifth floor and unlocked the door. Steffanie was making dinner. She greeted Stella with a cheery wave. “Hi. Did you have a nice time with Max?”
“Not really, no.” Stella said, pulling off her raincoat.
Steffanie made a little noise. “Huh. Well, he is a nice boy.”
Stella hated when Steffanie tried to act all motherly. “Did I get any mail?” she asked.
“Nope.”
Charles, her father, emerged from the bedroom, dark circles around his eyes. “Hey, sweetie. How’d the date go?”
“Okay.”
“That’s good.” To Steffanie, he said, “That smells delicious. What’re you making?”
Stella went to her room and closed the door. She flopped on the bed and tried to relax, but to no avail, as her cell phone rang just then. She didn’t recognize the number.
“Hello?”
On the other line, there was a strange snapping noise, as of pincers being clicked together. For a second, she freaked out. Relax, genius. It’s just a crank call.
She turned the phone off, a little irritated.Is the beginning to my story well-written?
"She wished she had dressed in the sweater her mother had sent her from Sweden, where she lived now."
This is an awkward sentence, it doesn't distinguish between whether Stella or her mother live in Sweden.
"That’s good.” To Steffanie, he said, “That smells delicious. What’re you making?”"
Too narrative. It changes the pace and flow because you're simply telling the audience instead of letting them see for themselves. Overall, the dialogue sequencing and structure could use a bit of work as it seems a bit messy.
"On the other line, there was a strange snapping noise, as of pincers being clicked together. For a second, she freaked out."
'as of pincers being clicked together', from a reader's view that sound would be very quiet and not very threatening, also you awkwardly worded the sound of it. Maybe you're better off finding a different description for it? Again, you're narrating again by saying she freaked out, and only for a second. Don't tell them the moment, describe the moment, describe how she felt in that instant and how her rational sense quickly rebounded against it in the form of annoyance.
"She turned the phone off, a little irritated."
This is minor, but most people would just hang up, not turn off the phone.
Overall, I like the opening to your story. The hooks there, the pace isn't too slow or too fast. I'd recommend working a little on the interaction between max and the waitress as he appeared to have not paid any attention to her during the date but then suddenly had an interest in her hips. It doesn't transition well. Also, if the harried stranger is important to the story keep him. If he was meant to set a mood, then make him seem more dark or dangerous. And if he was just part of the scene, you should leave him out because stories should never have random pieces in them that don't contribute in any way. Sorry if I went a little overboard, I love writing and this is the only question I've ever felt like answering. Good luck with your story!
It has some possibility.Is the beginning to my story well-written?
sounds great to me. Good job! although there were a few spelling errors.
Not bad y'know! I actually wanna keep reading.
I like Stella, she's feisty!
Well, it seems you got everything goin good here, can't see anything I'd change. Keep writing
xXxIs the beginning to my story well-written?
---%26gt; Stella Lazarus played absentmindedly with the red and gold tassels on the placemat as she listened to Max Bolander blather about his numerous touchdowns.
This would be considered a run-on. Never start out your material with something too "overwritten". I also have a concern about "Stella Lazarus's" name. It comes off a bit too "planned". It makes the main character known front and center(which isn't always beneficial). It can make her predictable. I would choose something more subtle.
---%26gt; Stella Lazarus played absentmindedly with the red....
---%26gt; She made sure to insert an appreciative noise here and there.
---%26gt; Stella thought exasperatedly.
---%26gt; The teenage Chinese waitress, who was dressed in a slinky red cheongsam, brought them their Szechuan chicken and dim sum.
---%26gt; “Anything else?” she asked, smiling flirtatiously at Max.
---%26gt; She smiled indulgently at Max
Absentmindedly, appreciative, exasperatedly, flirtatiously, indulgently? Are you using a thesaurus? It's not a good idea to keep trashing common words with their bigger synonyms. It makes your work lag, appear forced, and overwritten. Die it down a bit. You don't want certain readers having to carry a dictionary by their side every time they open your book. Simplicity is sometimes the best way.
In my personal opinion, due to all of the forced vocabulary, I found it hard to enjoy this piece. It became a chore to read. However, don't let me discourage you. This has potential like anything else. You just need to work on mastering simplicity. If elaborate sentences and complex vocabulary were still a requirement in today's publishing agency, I wouldn't have a problem with this.
Good luck! Keep writing!
:)
~~ ??MeryKheper??
Stella Lazarus played with the red and gold tassels on the placemat as she listened to Max Bolander boast.. She pretended to listen.
"Why did I let Vera convince me to go on a date with Max?" Stella thought. "I am going to kill herr, I swear to God."
The teenage Chinese waitress in slinky red cheongsam, served the Szechuan chicken and dim sum. "She's flirting with him."
"Iced tea," said Stella.
"Coke," said Max. The waitress leaned toward Max, taking his glass slowly
You can have him. Enjoy, Stella thought.
Max ate quickly, speaking through mouthfuls of food, sprayed greasy bits into Stella's bowl as he recounted another spectacular play.
-- read Strunk %26amp; White about how to write. There is a new edition with a 3rd author.
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